26/02/12 Depression, Blackhall Gaels & My Black Dog

The thing that I find with my depression is that when I am feeling low, I never have the strength to get out and do things or to try and get better but then when I start to feel well again I am the opposite. I try everything to maintain the good feeling. The most recent examples would be going back training with Blackhall for about three or four weeks, getting work done with Matthew on my body, eating well, not drinking. All the good things, then bang, the bad days hit again and for roughly four weeks now, my mood has been low, so of course I don’t have the get up and go to try and get better. I hope I explained that OK but in general it has just been a vicious circle for the past three years. I do not think the low times are as bad as they once were. Please God I am right and this illness might be close to weakening. At the end of this month it will be two months since I have worked. Not the longest period ever but getting close to it. The longer it goes on, the harder it is and when I take a step back and think about it, it is hard to imagine the day that I will stand behind that counter again and face the public. I have been in hiding for so long, there are certain places I do not go to as I am in fear of been spotted or worried what people think. I went to The Hatchet today with the lads because I feel OK there but I could not go to the GAA last night. You spend your life hiding when you feel like this. Going places never used to bother me once. I would be first there.
What a day of sport that was today. Good day for Liverpool winning the Carling cup, good day for Arsenal as they hammered Spurs 5-2. Bad day for Rory McIlroy, losing the world matchplay final and in doing so just missing out on becoming the world’s number one golfer, bad day for Blackhall as we suffered our second league defeat at home to St.Pats. Keep the head up though lads. The results will start going your way. Good day for Ryan Giggs as he celebrated his 900th appearance for Man Utd by scoring an injury-time winner over Norwich City.
Ryan Giggs celebrating an injury-time winner against Norwich City on his 900th appearance for Man Utd.
I enjoyed spending the evening with the lads, Liam, Erik and Michael, times like that take away the depression for a while. Though I am to lose Erik to Australia, Michael to Canada and Liam at times to England. Just when I get back into doing things with them, they go ha. I would not have mingled too much with them in the past three years and though they might have thought it was because I had Linda, It wasn’t. It was from me hiding putting myself out there to do things. Linda is great like that, she is the last person that would stop me from seeing my friends. She would encourage me to do so at any given opportunity. So it is my fault that I lost touch with my childhood friends over the past few years. Thankfully, when we meet up it is always as if we only seen each other the previous day and we never run out of conversation. My depression is not down to been a loner, luckily my friends have always been around if I needed them. The one friend who always is around me though and won’t be emigrating is Kiwi. He is asleep now at the end of the bed after a busy weekend. Such a loyal companion!!

Kiwi sleeping

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