25/02/12 Depression, Blackhall Gaels & My Black Dog

As I lie in bed here writing in today’s blog, I look at the clock and see that it is only 11pm on a Saturday night and I am already in bed a half an hour. Am I getting old or am I just simply losing my social life, my friends and Linda, everything I once took for granted at the weekends but more often than not messed it up either because of my low moods or too much alcohol. When I lie here and think back over the past few years and all that has happened, I think of what I have lost, the fun I used to have when I was always at the centre of a party, chatting to everyone in the room. Now… I am at home in bed while Linda, Sheena, Shane, the ladies GAA team and some of my friends are in Kilcock GAA at a presentation night and I didn’t go for various reasons. All the reasons however have something in common, this dammed depression. It has taken away so much in my life. Firstly I just don’t seem to have the confidence to be walking into a room full of people at the moment, especially when that room contains memories of some recent bad events. Ive fallen out with people that would be there over stupid drunken fights. I have lost friends who don’t contact me anymore and they would be there and I have transferred back to Blackhall so I cannot face any questions or smart remarks on that subject so I decided once again that the safety of my home seemed the better option. But that has been happening far too often of late and I think I have just lost my confidence of facing people. I had such a reputation of been so chatty and always the messer but that deserts me now. For now I am the opposite. I am scared and when you are scared, you stay in the safety of your home.
I have just received news by text from Linda though that she has won the award for the players’ player of the year for 2011 and though I am not there to congratulate her in person, I am over the moon for her. I am not been biased but she has worked so hard for years for the team and never won that individual accolade but now after all these years, her time has come and no one deserves it more. Add to that the collection of a Junior B Championship winners medal and I am missing a very successful night for Linda. I too was supposed to collect a framed picture of the team as a gift and a medal from them for my work as a selector last year but instead I am here where I can do no harm. For any of the girls reading this I would just like to say a big thank you for all your hard work in the past in any year I have been involved and I hope to be with you again in the future when I am better. I would also like to take this opportunity to apologise to some of you that may have got caught up in my dramas in the GAA last year and I should have listened to your advice to stop drinking and go home on that faithful night that I ended up in hospital. Thank you and sorry.

Linda clearing her lines in the 2011 Junior B Championship final

So what do you do on Saturday night when everyone else is out? Well thankfully for me, my love of sport has once again got me out of a hole as I just watched Rory McIlroy qualify for the World Matchplay Semi-Final where he will play Lee Westwood. I have also watched all the day’s Premiership goals, a European Boxing title fight from Scotland, some Spanish soccer and an interview with Stephen Ireland’s fiance on the Brendan O’Connor show. Any wonder I dream of some day been a Sport’s Journalist. It is my passion. Again something saved for when I am better.

I feel a sense of achievement from today, I got up early, myself and Linda walked Kiwi, we went to Bill’s Shop and we went to Leixlip to watch the Kilcock Ladies Minor team play in the league. Linda said it would be good for me to get out and about and mix, have a chat with some of the girls. And though my feet didn’t thank me for it due to the cold, I felt good mixing while watching something I love. It put me in the mood to play a game myself and with the start of Blachall’s B League campaign only a week away, I feel like I would love to train this week. Please God this feeling lasts. I would love to get back into it.
To wrap up today’s blog (because I have yapped on enough), I leave you by saying how much I miss the things I have lost over the past few years. My friends, I feel no longer ask me to go out with them, probably because of all the times I have said no but I’d say also because they are afraid I will make a show of them if I get drunk. I miss the football I once never failed to attend and all that goes with it. I miss been treated normally by my family and people close to me. I think they tip-toe around me now, whether it is because they are afraid to hurt me or they just cannot grasp the whole depression thing. I miss work and the craic with my work mates and the customers. In truth I miss feeling normal and living normal and I long for the day that feeling will return. For me it is sleep time. For Linda and my friends? The night is only beginning. Enjoy

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