21/02/12 Depression, Blackhall Gaels & My Black Dog

I am sorry that if everyday my blog seems repetitive but unfortunately that is exactly how my life is at the moment so whilst I am trying to keep the reader interested, I really must write how I feel on that day because firstly when I set this up I had no intentions of making it public, it was solely set up as a place for me to put my thoughts down at the end of the day and to clear my head. Maybe I am been negative and you don’t think it is repetitive or boring, if the latter is right, I thank you very much!! My enteries of late have been very long and though I get carried away at times, it is one of the activities that has brought a small bit of joy to my life in recent weeks. I really do hope that some day my entries will be full of happiness and I can look back on these dark days and help others but for now I must soldier on. It is a funny illness, every night before I sleep I say to myself that tomorrow I can change all this, that I could go to work, go training, bring Kiwi on a long walk, get up early, the list is endless. But when morning breaks, the tiredness is unbearable, the duvet gets pulled over my head and another day is to be wasted. Sometimes I doubt if I am really depressed and think maybe I am just lazy and have got stuck in a rut. But even the laziest of us surely could not live out every day the way I or any other depression sufferer does? I got my first message of support today from someone I do not know, it made me happy, and I thank him for his words and a link he sent me that helped. The word is spreading. Aww the good old pancakes were had today, even Kiwi joined in on the feast and helped himself to a corner of one!! The start of lent tomorrow, could it bring with it some new beginnings? Another week of no training looks on the cards as I failed to raise myself to attend tonight. I soon might have to change the heading of my blog, leaving out the Blackhall Gaels part, if I don’t start going. But how can I go? A cycle to my Nans house (300mtrs away) was a battle today. There is so much death around lately and it is so sad to see and I am greatful I have an illness that hopefully will not kill me but on some of my worst days through the years, I used to think wouldn’t it be nice to fall asleep and not wake up. My pain would be over. But as bad as I get now, I do not want that to happen, I want to get better and experience a feeling of joy in my life once again. Everyone deserves that. Aswel as not going to Blackhall training, I haven’t yet attended a training session of the Kilcock Ladies, where I am supposed to be a selector. Below is a photo of me with the ladies before they won the Junior B Champioship in Kildare last year. They are a great bunch of girls to work with and I have got to know so many of them over the years aside from football and with regards my depression, some of them have been of great help.
Me with the Kilcock Ladies

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