19/02/12 Depression, Blackhall Gaels & My Black Dog

The one major problem I have had to face over the past three years with depression is the amount of days I have missed in work. I would say I have been at home more days than I have spent in work. At first I missed about three months, then worked three months and it has been a fairly similar pattern ever since. Weeks on, weeks off. Months on, months off. And it has been very frustrating, not only for me I am sure but for my boss Paddy, my work colleagues Adam and Benny, my family and for Linda. I would love to be able to get up like every normal person out there and attend work everyday but I can’t. I am not a lazy person. I just cannot find the fight in me or the motivation but I know I will have to again and soon. Money has also obviously been a major problem but you don’t really seem to care to much about that when you are feeling low but it is one of the reasons I have had to move back home. With the way I am, feeling good one week while maybe feeling bad the next, I never looked for sick pay or went on the dole so I have never received any benefits all this time I have been off. So for someone that had so much planned in life, IE a house, a family, a nice car, holidays etc, all of them plans have been shelved and any savings I accumulated over the years have been delved into. I have even spent more time on Donedeal selling items, culminating in my mobile home, just to keep things going. I just felt the need to talk about this tonight because unlike any other illness, this is an odd one. Am I meant to get sick pay? But why should I? I have been missing work on and off now for three years. What path should I take? I can’t keep selling things. But I feel I must be one of the luckier ones, I have a good family surrounding me that are always here to help and many more friends too that if I was ever really stuck I am sure they would help. But what about someone with depression that may not be this lucky, may not have the same support base? This I think is when people see no way out and end it all and it is very sad. I hope I can get back at it very soon and start earning a bit because as well as suffering with depression, with no money I am unable to do some of the things I used to enjoy and that too can get you down so it is a vicious circle. I don’t know maybe I am naive and I should be trying to get every benefit out there but I am just not that type of person or am I just not bothered.
Kiwi is as per usual by my side as I write this. He is asleep, wrecked after a busy weekend. He was in Donadea Forest yesterday and enjoyed the left-overs of a salmon dinner from tonight. He was well made up!!
Blackhall unfortunately lost today, away to Navan. I am sorry I didn’t attend now to show my support and I don’t even know what happened to give a small report but I do know they lost 1:11 to 0:03. I am sure that they showed great fight as normal and will bounce back next week at home to St.Pats. I did nothing with them this week and for that I am sorry. Sure I could not even go to a party I was invited to last night. Dave (the boyfriend of Linda’s sister Niamh and a man I have great time for) held his 30th in Brady’s Maynooth and I just couldn’t go. I was not able to face people and hadn’t even the desire to get ready or dressed up. This worried me because I never felt this before. Sorry Dave and happy birthday. I did venture out once this weekend, into O’Neils in Maynooth for dinner with Linda, my mother and my father. It is my father’s birthday tomorrow so we went for dinner. That was a highlight and I enjoyed it. I also got chatting, if only briefly, to a former team-mate at Blackhall, Liam Rattigan. So that was nice.
DEPRESSION ruins so many aspects of ones life. It has turned me into a hermit.
Staying in all indoors did give me a chance to catch up on my love of sport but it turned me into a couch potato for the weekend and amongst the main stories from that weekend of TV watching are:
Messi scoring four goals as Barca beat Valencia 5-1.
Liverpool beating Brighton 6-1 in the FA Cup.
Stevenage holding Spurs scoreless to force a replay in the same competition.
Crossmaglen coming from behind to beat Dr.Crokes and reach yet another All-Ireland final.
Derek Chisora, spitting, slapping, brawling, broken bottles, cameras (with David Haye), ohh and he had a world title fight also, which he lost on point to one of the Klitschko brothers.
The ‘Bare Knuckle’ documentary on RTE1 tonight about the traveller’s fighting. What TV!!
Klitschko and Chisora before the slap

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